After Mothers’ Day
Now that Mothers’ Day is a celebration of the past and the encomiums have been showered on mothers, some finding favorable auditory orifices, yet some lingering and perplexing thoughts persist.
Most of us are all too familiar with the narrative of the deadbeat dad: The man who shows up only to make babies, but never comes by to take care of them. Perhaps he doesn’t pay child support, does not spend time with his children, or has more “baby mamas” than the local maternity ward.
I have heard it all, or I think most of it. We know that horrible fathers exist, and that they should be confronted like the terrorists that they are to the Black community.
However, all that being said, the true untold story is that of the deadbeat mother. She often slips under the radar because the “N*ggers ain’t s**t”/ “Black men ain’t worth a p**s” rhetoric drowns out the voices of her defenseless children who, needless to say, are suffering under her regime of blatant selfishness and irresponsibility.
According to the former North Korean Dictator, Kim Jong Il, the deadbeat mom reigns supreme over the lives of her kids, seeing them as possessions rather than real human beings. The words “my babies” come out of her mouth like a pimp claiming hookers on the corner, or a farmer talking about pigs in a sty. Her children have been converted into weapons.
When it comes to the deadbeat mom, the non-existent father never had a chance; in fact, the father might have been dismissed even before the baby shower was held. Yes, she’s doing it all by herself, but fails to recognize and know the difference between raising kids and teaching them to be successful, productive and well-balanced human beings. Since her kids never complain about the psychological damage being done during the parenting process, she presumes that everything must be OK.
I know and have heard stories about fathers who have been victims of the deadbeat mom. These were men who desperately wanted to see their children but were blocked at every turn by a Maternal Security Force that had become convinced that she had made and created the babies all by herself.
There was one young man who confided in me that he had been required to pay child support for years, but that the courts wouldn’t even tell him where they were sending the money so he could track down the mother of his child in order to see his son. He was denied that information, and the courts would tell you that they are under no obligation to disclose the name of the recipient. It is blatantly apparent that his son’s mother had decided that she wanted access to his money but was unwilling to share any of the parental power.
Another person reached out to tell me about a teen girl who’d been sexually assaulted by one of her mother’s boyfriends. As the endless parade of random men was being brought into the household and being asked to babysit, the child’s mother was oblivious to the idea that thousands of children are abused every year by their mothers’ boyfriends. When the child mentioned the abuse to her mother, the little girl was punished for lying, and the mother continued to live her life as if everything were just fine.
Not every mother is equipped to be a good mom, and the fact that your kids are in your home does not make you a good steward of their future.
Not acknowledging the need for strong male role models (preferably the dad) can lead you to raise your boys to remain little boys into adulthood, thus ruining another woman’s husband.
Ladies, we have not all exactly done a superb job with your son, for notice that 20 years later, he’s a pants-sagging, uneducated, wannabe thug who sits in his mama’s basement playing Xbox1 or PS4 all day in order to avoid paying child support. Even worse is that the mother loves having her 30-year old son in the house because he has taken over the role of her missing husband. Most of us know that bad parenting exists across both genders, and we also know that bad parenting can be predicated on making really bad choices.
The best way for men to overcome a deadbeat mother is to avoid choosing one.
It is my belief that family planning should start with simply having a plan. Remember girls be aware, he may not be the right man if he ain’t got a concrete plan. That plan begins with being thoughtful about where he chooses to plant his seed. Why sow a seed if the plant you cannot feed.
Yes, I know that rappers tell men that they should sleep with every girl who offers to give them what they want, but what rappers don’t tell you is that this is where unwanted babies come from. In fact, the easiest way for a man to spend his life financially devastated is to have a bunch of children out of wedlock.
When it comes to mothers, old and young, it’s always important to understand that you didn’t create the baby by yourself. You have a co-parent, and he has the same rights that you do. You may not like his girlfriend, his wife, his life, or how he disciplines your child, but let it stand for the records that he is your child’s father. You chose to sleep with him, and thus made a lifetime pact to share parental rights and responsibilities, even if he is not the father you’d like for him to be.
Of course, there are exceptions, but it seems that we live in an era where people are more likely to discard inconvenient relationships instead of working to improve them. Also, mothers should realize that being addicted to your child is not the same as loving your child. The ‘motherholic’ addiction” is when you can’t live without your child, need your child nearby and snuggle with your child so your brain can be hit with constant fixes of the neurotransmitter Oxytocin (aka “the love drug”) necessary to keep you from feeling lonely in your life.
Loving your child means making difficult sacrifices so your child can have a productive and positive future. It might mean putting up with a dad who differs from you in parenting style, or knowing the difference between being a parent to your child and being a buddy.
To men who find they’re locking horns with a deadbeat mom, speaking from a non-legal stance I recommend securing your rights in the womb. In other words, and plainly put, make the jump while she still has the bump. That means going to court early to set up visitation rights, and fighting for space in the life of your kid(s). I also recommend being thoughtful about the women you share your body with. Your child is usually better off if you keep your family together in the first place. I don’t care what anyone else says, children are typically better off with two parents than they are with just one.
I once told a friend of mine who was not receiving child support from her ex-husband to not take him to court for child support. With no tongue in cheek, I asked the simple question: “Why would you demean yourself and let some complete stranger dictate your family dynamics?” She looked at me, convinced that my lurking insanity was now more evident.
But this is Black people; we complain about how much the mainstream culture runs our lives, yet we run to court to tell on each other all the time (mainly women) to force “massa” to discipline each other.
I agree that every man should be careful with his seed. However, there’s a difference between careful and being fearful. There are times when our males should be in fear of our females when it comes to exchanging their seed for pleasure.
You may not agree with me but the Black woman has been transformed into the new “slave-catcher” because more times than not, she is the culprit behind many Black men getting locked up behind their kids. All fathers who do not pay are not in a position to pay, for some want to, but just really cannot at that present moment.
Locking up these men not only gets you no money, but often turns fathers off wanting to be involved in their children’s lives forever. Is that really worth it? Vindictive is many Black women’s middle name, and they laugh with their girlfriends how they locked their baby daddy up, but never realize (and I doubt they care) the psychological damage they do to their kids long-term. I have oftentimes heard many females say that they are going to raise their daughters to never depend on a man. I was like “are you serious?”
Many men do not have a clue about the lengths and evil machinations to which these women would go until it is too late.
The call is in for women to stop raising boys that eventually become society’s toys, and daughters that don’t need a man to give a helping hand.
Try to answer this question, or at best ponder on it long enough to bring about a change of thought: Why to you should the money go, when the children and their whereabouts he does not know?
For even if he did not make you a wife, let him be in the children’s life.
Aleuta—The struggle continues.
Angela Colley May 23, 2015 at 5:31 pm
Excellent article I truly agree with all of your points. I am the daughter of a deadbeat mother, I learned many lessons the hard way and after I became a mother myself I realized a lot of her actions were for her betterment and not for myself and other 4 siblings. With 4 fathers between us, we led lives of separation, whose father was better , and whose father was worthy of being in our lives. She often said “these are my kids” and we were in fact used as weapons. Happy memories of my childhood do not include my mother. My father gave up putting up with my mothers antics and left , only to tell me twenty some odd years later that he felt guilty for leaving and wished my mother could of been a stronger person for my siblings and I. As a mother now, It’s hard to admit I don’t love her anymore, because never would I want my children to say the same about me, so I work at it everyday, I stop myself when I realize I’m doing something my mother did, do my best to put the children first. I have two sisters who have repeated the cycle and one sister who refuses to have children, possibly in fear of being a bad mother, and a brother who will likely end up 30 yrs old and still at home playing video games. Women often play victim and it’s unfair to the fathers who want to be there. This past Mother’s Day, I put on a dress, I made a big breakfast , baked a cake , went to a brunch and that was it. All I wanted was not to cook dinner! I thank you for bringing this issue to the newspaper, truly touching !