Everyone seems to want to tell parents what they feel is the correct way to raise children, while at the same time telling them every child is different. Far too many of us are being told that small children just out of diapers need to be independent, make choices, and have authority. We want our children to be organized and aware of their surroundings, yet we hesitate when it comes to consistent responsibility and expectations because we do not want to “stress them out”. Parents are extremely careful about applying the logic of “you can do good in school and also contribute at home”, so too many of us pick one. We do not demand proper behavior in the home consistently with consequences but try to defend ourselves when the behavior is now unacceptable in the public.
When we listen to the news and see our children dying in the streets, or being unlawfully manhandled by the boys in blue we are ready to cry out…but our kids are not prepared for the reality of the world we live in. The bottom line is we must teach our children. It is a labor of love, it is repetitive, on many days you will be exhausted, and it will require you to get YOU together because yes, they hear you…but more importantly believe it or not your kids are watching you. Let me be clear, as I am often misquoted and misunderstood. This is not about abusing children, and this must be stated as far too often it is where the conversation goes when the issue of structure is brought up. Far too many of us are so caught up in not wanting to be the previous generation we refuse to acknowledge that in some areas they did get it right…and that in some areas we are failing, and miserably too.
The inverse is also correct. Wanting children to learn to become independent thinkers, and make wise choices is utterly important. However, that may have to start with the parent(s) making selections and teaching the child how to choose in a safe environment. You cannot allow a five- or six-year-old to decide what he is going to eat for supper. Yes, he can be given options to choose from, but he still needs parental oversight as if it is left up to him or her, they might try to eat pizza every day and would be deficient in terms of nutrition.
Children are taught respect for authority at home before dealing with the public. We do not begin teaching these lessons at six and seven years of age…it starts from day one. Get this straight on your parental plate— children are more resilient than we realize. They are not made of glass.
They can go to school and be efficient, then come home and have chores that they are consistently responsible for. In so doing, we are then training a child that can one day take care of him/ herself while maintaining a job. Everything that we do now is building blocks towards helping them to become respectful, efficient human beings. Teaching them what they need to know in no way implies that life will be fair with them…it simply means that they are not on the wrong side of the situation. Life has consequences, so should your home. These are all fundamental things that need to be taught. Children are a 24/7 responsibility. They will learn as you are hands on with them, when you display that you care about their day, when you discipline in love, and when you show up for them. Remember that we are teaching them when they watch us make responsible decisions, take care of our health, say No, get up, prepare and go off to work, and when they see us communicate effectively. They experience us apologizing to them if we get it wrong because we are not perfect. They will be able to recall us telling them about the reality of the world they live in…they might hate to hear us repeat ourselves, but the wisdom will come back to them when they face life challenges. If we want our children to have a better chance at life and living successfully, we must roll our sleeves up and parent, and support each other in the effort to parent our children individually and as a community, that sadly is dissipated and fragmented and falls short of the traditional village that it takes to raise a child.
Aleuta continua—- The struggle continues.
