About ten minutes before my Psychology class, a young lady came to speak to me. As she was a student in my class, she knew I could not be long with her since the class would begin soon.
In just about seven or eight minutes she told me what seemed to be her problem. I listened, but since I had to go to my class, I told her she could come earlier before my next class on Thursday. She promised to return. In retrospect she was unusually active in the class that day. Thursday I waited for her but she did not show, and she did not come to class.
The next Tuesday I came and she was waiting in front of my office. She apologized, and told me she had everything under control, and she just wanted to share her concern with someone and that she felt very comfortable with me. The problem she said , was no more, and that she did what was needed, and now she feels good for having done it.
I gave her no direction, no advice, it seems , just by talking it out, the light came on and she could see clearly. Again this is another example where talking out, rather than having things bottled inside, eating at your very soul, is therapeutic.
Not wishing to be morbid, it seems as one reads the Obituary pages of the daily newspapers, there are more male deaths reported than female ones. Men seem to die sooner in a population where women are in the majority.
As such public health in North America have become concerned about the sex difference in death age.
It’s also noticeable that everyone, male and female are living longer today than 50 years ago. Therefore to live to a century is not a surprising event anymore. But why the difference?
Biology does not provide any evidence to prove that female tissues and cells are more viable than those of the male. So searching for new evidence, researchers have turned to transactions between men and their environments, this is their interpersonal environments.
What then, in man’s relationship with others that will prolong his life and ensure a fully functioning one, or speed up a man’s progress toward his own death? Similarly, what aspect or aspects of being a woman in this society are related to a woman’s slower rate of dying?
Let’s face it, society provides a model of behavior for a male and one for a female. The male role requires that man should appear to be tough, objective, achieving, unsentimental, emotionally unexpressive and to be strong.
But these are all roles he must play, which often are different from his inner self. If his inner self cries or displays weakness, he may be censored or feel inferior to other men. But men are capable as women, to
respond to life situation with a broad range of feelings and thoughts, but his male role and male’s self-structure will not permit any acknowledgement or disclosure of his inner-self to himself or to others.
The male seems obliged, rather, to hide much of his real self. When we compare the revelation of personal information between men and women, we conclude that men reveal much less than woman. Since men have as much inner experience as the female, but share less , they have more secrets from the interpersonal world than women.
It therefore follows that men seem to dread being known by others, which leaves them continually tense and displaying neurotic behavior. So it seems that to be manly implies the wearing of a protective shield, and keeping all at a distance.
The man is on guard all the time, fearing the exposure of his weakness and vulnerability, being scared of something slipping out. To always appear manly is to be always alert which could be very stressful.
Could this be the factor responsible for the shorter lifespan of the male? If self-disclosure is a practical evidence of openness, and if openness is a factor in health and wellness, then the poor self-disclosure could be a lethal weapon.
There is stress in every day normal living. Added stress will come if too many secrets are withheld and not exposed. Ulcers and hypertension may be the result. To deal effectively with this is to change the roles imposed your own inner self. This may not be easy.
Manliness often includes a lack of insight and empathy. Men are trained to relate to others on an “I – basis.” They are better able to relate on an impersonal basis than women can. They generally avoid intimate personal knowledge and feelings of the others.
On the other hand women generally find it difficult to keep their interpersonal relationship impersonal. They respond to the feelings of the other person, and responds to her own feelings toward the other person. Hence it is said that women are more nurturing.
Personal life calls for insight and empathy in men as well as in women. If the practice of self-disclosure promotes insight and empathy then women are better at insight and empathy. Women then are more transparent than men.
Since men are trained to ignore their feelings in order to pursue and exhibit the instrumental aspects of manliness, it follows that they will be less sensitive to ‘ all is not well ‘ signals as these arise in themselves. The hypothesis may be proposed that women, more sensitized to their inner experience will notice their ‘ all is not well ‘ signals sooner and more often than men and change their mode of existence to one more conducive to wellness , that is to consult a doctor sooner or seek bed rest more often than men, who by contrast fail to notice these ‘ all is not well ‘ signals and do not stop working or take to their beds until the destructive consequences of their manly way of life have progressed to the point of a stroke, heart attack or total collapse.
Women seem to amplify these signals while men will tune them out. We also see manly men changing the world, but are unable to open up and become more self-disclosed.
Self-disclosure is very important to our Black men. The role that he has been given in society has made it very difficult for any self-disclosure, He is so busy carrying out the role society has displaced on him, or fighting for a change in role , that his self-disclosure is extremely low .
There is so much bottled inside, that he denies his physical and mental illnesses and denies himself any consultation until the illness is in an advanced stage. It is his role to appear well all the time even when he is very ill. Because of the earlier demise of Black men as compared to Black women the Black community is heading for a crisis if this does not change.
Lower self-disclosure results in higher physical and mental illnesses . Everyone should understand that a visit to the Psychologist, Therapist or a Counsellor is not a sign of weakness or madness. It is to get in touch with your inner self, with the express intention to correct, to change and to grow.
Dr. Alwin Spence is a retired professor from the Psychology department at John Abbott College. He is a part time instructor/Psychology at Concordia University.
