Dr. Alwin Spence
The season of bashing absent fathers is here again. As a concerned father, I have no intention to contribute to that negative perception.
What I believe is happening presently to our new fathers is that many of them are very anxious to be in the birthing room with their partner during the actual moment of the birth of their child. In my days long, long ago, it was the father’s duty to be giving cigars to everyone, acknowledging and welcoming the new infant. Fathers then, were not encouraged to be in the birthing room, whether at home or in the hospital. But things are changing and I believe also that fathers are comfortable with this forward move, and are electing to be right beside their partners at the important moment of childbirth. Maybe some researcher will confirm that this change of attitude has had a positive effect on child growth and family relationship.
So let me pause and say Happy Fathers’ Day to all fathers, absent and present.
Dad the disciplinarian
The subject of discipline is always a difficult topic. Very often the father is saddled with the responsibility of disciplining the children. This is often confirmed with the mother’s pointing index finger accompanied by the words, “Wait until your father comes home.” Sometimes this is overdone, giving father the exclusive role of the watchman and correction officer. At times because of this policing, children may become fearful of their father and avoid him instead of becoming close to him. Disciplining the child must be seen as an arm of a father’s love.
A hypothetical situation
Raymond will soon be 10 years old. He is in grade 5, slightly big for his age, but very popular, well liked and a very good soccer player. He is also friendly and smart, a great leader. The high school is close by. One afternoon a few bigger boys from the high school came to watch a soccer game at Raymond’s school.
Raymond scored the winning goal in a close and exciting game. Raymond, with all his friends around him, was having a wonderful celebration. On his way to get his bus, the boys from the high school stopped him, congratulated him and invited him to a soccer game at their school. Raymond did not promise to attend, but he thought to himself that these bigger boys seldom speak to the elementary boys. Something was troubling Raymond, but he did not know what it was, so he went home and told his dad everything, too young to figure all things out all by himself. After listening to Raymond, what pops up in Dad’s head? Little boys getting the attention of older boys? It may be too big a problem for Raymond to figure out. Does dad see a red flag? It may be there so treat it like that. If it is not, all the better. Better safe than sorry.
The message is that a father must be alert or even vigilant when it comes to the welfare of his children. What can dad do? First of all, Raymond did the right thing in sharing his experience with his father. Raymond must know that his dad is there to help him to avoid pitfalls and to protect him from harmful situations such as membership in a gang. Both Raymond and his dad can work together, his father valuing his son’s input.
A dad’s role
There are things that one can do to minimize involvement in gangs. A lot is written on this subject and is readily available. But behind these practical solutions are some basic principles. No one can simply make gangs go away. A father must help his children avoid getting involved in gangs at an early age before they begin to feel the need for such affiliation. What should dad do?
1. Dad should help his children to feel loved. When we encourage our children we help them to feel really loved. Children need to feel this kind of love from their father, and if they do they will be less likely to seek love in other places, such as in a gang.
2. Dad should help his children to feel powerful. He must at times give them control over choices. When children are given the opportunity to make decisions, they will feel this type of good power. Later on, they will feel less likely to seek or join gangs in order to get power.
3. Dad should help his children feel needed. He should let them know that they are important to him. He can show this need when he asks for their ideas and suggestions. When a child feels that he/she is needed by his/her own family, he/she will be less likely to seek out or admire the family or families of another child, especially the family of a member of an already formed gang. Dad’s role in leading in the combat against joining gangs and using drugs is very important.
But this is the time we celebrate Fathers’ Day, loudly acknowledging him and showering him with love. But in addition to this celebration, it is time for fathers to reflect. What have I done for my children? What am I doing for my children? And, what else do I want to do for my children? In the mind of a true dad, the question is always what must I do for them, my children, more than what he should do for himself.
Have a wonderful Father’s Day.
