Dr. Alwin Spence
“Hi guys, d-i-n-n-e-r is r-e-a-d-y, wash your hands and come to the t-a-b-l-e.”
“O.K! Stop the playing ! Go wash your hands ! And come to the table, Now ! “
Some years ago, my father visited my home in Montreal. He came with one of his grandsons who was about ten years old, a little older than his cousin, my son. The two boys were playing. It was dinner time and I called them to the table.
One call to dinner or lunch to a child who is involved in an enjoyable game may not be enough. My sisters failed every time to convince me to come for lunch when I was engaged in a serious cricket game. But seeing my mother from a distance coming to get me, I would leave quickly, ran home , gobbled down my lunch and ran back to continue the game.
There was no punishment because it was not disobedience, it was more the concern for a hungry boy and the love of labour put into the making of the lunch for her children.
The opening statement was my playful request for the boys to come to dinner. They did not come immediately. The second statement
was how my father handled the situation. Loud, and with a no-nonsense delivery. The boys responded immediately. They came to the
table but was intimidated by their grandfather.
They made no eye contact with him, they were extremely quiet , and asked to be excused as soon as they were finished eating. They did not even request a second helping. My father then told me that they should remain at the table until everyone is finished.
I grew up with my father, but when it came to discipline, I am not like him. He firmly believed in, ‘ do not spare the rod and spoil the child.’
My mother would always say, ‘wait until your father returns,’ and that alone would, ‘smarten us up.’ She would seldom complain about us,
not really wanting us to get spanked.
For her the threat is good enough. I sometimes got spanked and as they say , look how I have turned out in spite of it.
But this is never a good rationale on which to base spanking your children. Must I perpetuate this corporal punishment?
No! I have grown to despise the practice. Children should not be spanked, period.
So, what about “what I do in my own home with my own children is my business?”
Not anymore. What you do with and to your children is the business of the community. You must send them to school, or else… you must feed them, or else… you must make sure they get medical care, or else and likewise, you should not spank them, or else….
One writer once said that our children come through us but they do
not belong to us. They are God’s gift to His world. So we should not abuse them physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually.
From the intervention of my father with the boys, you will recognise that our parenting styles are very different.
WHAT IS YOUR PARENTING STYLE ?
Very often one is not taught parenting skills, it is learnt on the job, where the teacher is the child. Different children with different temperament must be treated differently because it is never one cap fits all.
A leading researcher, Diana BAUMRIND gathered information on child rearing, by watching parents interact with their preschoolers. Many others have added to this vast pool of information. These studies reveal three features that include: 1) acceptance and involvement 2) control and 3) autonomy granting.
These features in turn produce four prototypic styles of parenting: authoritarian, authoritative, indulgent permissive and indifferent-
uninvolved.
It is fair to say that no two parents are alike. Generally speaking, the authoritarian parent combines high control with little warmth. They lay down the rules and expect them to be adhered to without questions. The wish of these parents is to inculcate in their children the characteristics of hard work and respect, and obedience to authority.
Thesearents generally resort to punishment There is little give-and-take, do it because I say so. Totally in control of the children. Parents generally resort to punishment when their rules are resisted.
Children from these homes are unhappy, anxious and low in self-esteem and self-reliance and are typically poor students.
The authoritative parent is the most successful approach. It includes high acceptance and involvement, and appropriate autonomy granting . They’re are warm, attentive and sensitive to the needs of the children and usually establish an enjoyable, emotionally fulfilling parent-child relationship. However, they exercise reasonable control. Authoritative parenting is linked to competent and well-rounded children. This type of parenting is the favorite in the Western world.
The third type, the permissive parent is warm and accepting but is uninvolved.
They are either overindulgent or inattentive and exercise little control. They allow children to make decisions too early in age. Some parents truly believe in this type of freedom, while others lack the confidence in their own ability to influence the behavior of the child. Children with this type of freedom tend to be impulsive, disobedient and rebellious and do not persist. The link between permissive parenting and dependent non-achieving, rebellious behavior is especially strong for boys.
The final type of parenting is the uninvolved or indifferen, which is a combination of low acceptance and involvement. Often these parents are emotionally detached and depressed because they are overwhelmed and have no time for children.
Uninvolved parenting can be seen as a form of mistreatment or neglect and children can display problems such as , underachievement and depression and antisocial behavior.
Do you see yourself in any of these labels?
But these labels do not tell all. There is another important influence, culture.
Authoritative parenting style may be very popular and acceptable, but parents from different cultures often have distinct child rearing beliefs and practices that reflect cultural values.
For instance, compared to Western parents ,Chinese parents are described as more controlling and teaching their children, which often result in high achievement. They often withhold praise from their children to force them to work harder.
Caribbean families of African and East Indian origins are very firm, insisting on parental authority, which is paired with high parental warmth, a combination suitable in promoting scholarship, social competence and family loyalty.
In the United States, because of a hostile environment to Black people, parenting role takes on the teaching of a protective behavior.Survival depends on this.
Whichever style of parenting you practice, parenting is so complex because there is something new to learn all the time.
Parenting is active and parents must always ask themselves, what more can I do to help my children become all they are capable of becoming…the self-actualizing person.
So once a parent always a parent.
